what it feels like?
25 June 2025
See all posts
what it feels like?
calling it confusing might be an understatement.
in a scary way, calling it scary is also an understatement, because almost all the times he is caught off guard with the universe slapping him, not knowing which interaction with himself or others have triggered it (or will trigger it), having thrown his next few days in a pit.
causing him to learn to live a life of caution or headfullness (even while typing on a keyboard), keeping him attentive in a dissociated way that he may stumble upon some train of thought which he’ll soon dearly regret. only if he had somehow heeded it.
he learns to internalize a dichotomy in his sense of self, which doesn’t cause him so much dissonance if he somehow already understood that "self is a thought that never goes away". (if he knows he knows but if he doesn’t, ask him to try to wake up).
a subtle dichotomy which makes everything feel eerie, dreamy and blurry - he becomes scared of his own world, his own body. if the person endures to understand a little, he’ll learn how his entire self can change in a moment’s whim, how he can actually become an entirely different person - a reminder or a 101 in why the second part of what he has is called a “disorder”.
it is a quiet hum in the background of his life dictating it in ways that he can probably never understand. once he intuits this, it becomes a daily endevour of identifying imposters within his own sense of being, confused on what is real or not.
it colours the life of the person in a way that is very hard to articulate. every day becomes a fight, every day is stroll in a forest full of dangers. imagine the anguish.
where does he even begin to contemplate the consequences of bearing this life - where doing even the simplest things seem like such a climb sometimes.
what he naturally learns from all of this - to live a life of thinking and the forced attempts at seeing the world for what it is, he is unsure if it amounts to anything or not. but atleast he doesn’t have to succumb to collecting poor man’s golds.
and after all this, he may be thrown into the realm of dissociated (almost) soulless existence, where life feels like a black and white movie. he sees the world through his eyes yes, but life is like watching television - which may be experientially true, but something always feels wrong. he wonders if many people actually live like this, just circumstantially unaware.
but the saddest part of all of it isn’t the physical trial the universe puts him through where he can’t sleep, can’t eat, can’t walk and can’t live - it’s the grand irony that he forgets to know how and what to feel, which is probably what put him in this hell in the first place.
why is that? because he feels so much and feels nothing at the same time, and he is not sure if having "this many beeps is actually helpful".
the certain compositions of chemicals in his biochemistry which are supposed to make him “feel”, feel anything - become nothing but dissociated realization of what they are - certain compositions of chemicals in his biochemistry.
so, how do you help a person when the parts of his physiology trained on a millions of years of evolution that are supposed to protect him from dangers known and unknown go haywire causing him to feel, and sometimes believe, that a train is coming straight towards him all the time?
i don’t know, no one has been able to help me so far.
what it feels like?
25 June 2025 See all postscalling it confusing might be an understatement.
in a scary way, calling it scary is also an understatement, because almost all the times he is caught off guard with the universe slapping him, not knowing which interaction with himself or others have triggered it (or will trigger it), having thrown his next few days in a pit.
causing him to learn to live a life of caution or headfullness (even while typing on a keyboard), keeping him attentive in a dissociated way that he may stumble upon some train of thought which he’ll soon dearly regret. only if he had somehow heeded it.
he learns to internalize a dichotomy in his sense of self, which doesn’t cause him so much dissonance if he somehow already understood that "self is a thought that never goes away". (if he knows he knows but if he doesn’t, ask him to try to wake up).
a subtle dichotomy which makes everything feel eerie, dreamy and blurry - he becomes scared of his own world, his own body. if the person endures to understand a little, he’ll learn how his entire self can change in a moment’s whim, how he can actually become an entirely different person - a reminder or a 101 in why the second part of what he has is called a “disorder”.
it is a quiet hum in the background of his life dictating it in ways that he can probably never understand. once he intuits this, it becomes a daily endevour of identifying imposters within his own sense of being, confused on what is real or not.
it colours the life of the person in a way that is very hard to articulate. every day becomes a fight, every day is stroll in a forest full of dangers. imagine the anguish.
where does he even begin to contemplate the consequences of bearing this life - where doing even the simplest things seem like such a climb sometimes.
what he naturally learns from all of this - to live a life of thinking and the forced attempts at seeing the world for what it is, he is unsure if it amounts to anything or not. but atleast he doesn’t have to succumb to collecting poor man’s golds.
and after all this, he may be thrown into the realm of dissociated (almost) soulless existence, where life feels like a black and white movie. he sees the world through his eyes yes, but life is like watching television - which may be experientially true, but something always feels wrong. he wonders if many people actually live like this, just circumstantially unaware.
but the saddest part of all of it isn’t the physical trial the universe puts him through where he can’t sleep, can’t eat, can’t walk and can’t live - it’s the grand irony that he forgets to know how and what to feel, which is probably what put him in this hell in the first place.
why is that? because he feels so much and feels nothing at the same time, and he is not sure if having "this many beeps is actually helpful".
the certain compositions of chemicals in his biochemistry which are supposed to make him “feel”, feel anything - become nothing but dissociated realization of what they are - certain compositions of chemicals in his biochemistry.so, how do you help a person when the parts of his physiology trained on a millions of years of evolution that are supposed to protect him from dangers known and unknown go haywire causing him to feel, and sometimes believe, that a train is coming straight towards him all the time?
i don’t know, no one has been able to help me so far.